I have been in a committed relationship with someone for almost 8 months. One night last week he called me and told me that he wanted to meet me for dinner, but he was planning on going to a dinner meeting. Now this meeting was with a woman whom I had never met. I have no idea what it was about, I know he said work, but he was still very vague. Four hours later, he sent me a text message and asked if I would like to meet up. I told him that he hurt my feelings and didn’t meet up with him that night. I have been thinking about this nonstop. I got a bad feeling the moment this happened. He has never mentioned the women he met up with again. But there was something in my belly that just didn’t feel right! Am I being silly and ridiculous making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just drop it or should I have questioned him? What’s your opinion on this?
Thanks, Ann Marie
Hi Ann Marie,
I can understand where you’re coming from asking this question. But to be honest, if it was the first time you got this feeling from your gut and the first time you have felt like this in 8 months, you wouldn’t be writing in. So, obviously, you have had these feelings before. The reason I am focusing on you when it seems like I should be talking about his behavior, is because it is all about your emotions.
The fact that you wanted to meet for an earlier engagement and spend time together, and then he changed your plans (for whatever reason) wasn’t nice and probably very hurtful to you. But the fact that you got a bad feeling the moment your plans were changed, that’s what needs to be addressed.
Sometimes things occur in our lives and we choose to ignore them. Or we justify the emotions calling them stupid, silly or ridiculous. But what we need to look at is why we are feeling these emotions. They did not occur for no reason. They are never silly. These emotions occur from the limbic system. That is the part of our brain that is triggered by emotions. So many people call it a gut feeling or intuition. Some say that it is making decisions according to the heart, listening to the red flags. Whatever you want to call it, take it seriously. It should always be listened to.
Going back to your scenario, you have a boyfriend who has stirred up these feelings in you before, but you have always found it possible to brush them off. Recently, something has happened, it may be a big deal or it may not be, but either way, you cannot ignore these feelings anymore. Good for you that you have finally addressed it! And you wrote that you talked to him, you told him he hurt your feelings. Great, Ann Marie! So good for you for bringing that to his attention. How did he respond? Or shall I say, how did you feel when he responded?
This goes for all relationships, whether romantic or professional, listen to your emotions. Never think you are being ridiculous, never think you are blowing things out of proportion. You are feeling these feelings because part of your brain, the limbic, is alerting you. I can’t tell you what they mean, but I can tell you they should never be ignored.
One last thing, make sure that you know the difference between assuming and listening to your intuition. That can get you into trouble, usually because assumptions are ideas that we make about another. Feelings are just that, they are feelings that we get that drive us to making decisions. Always listen to your feelings.