I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I had been with for two years and one month. I still say, to anyone who asks, what an amazing person she is. I loved everything about her, I really cherished our moments together. Sounds like a wonderful relationship and you’re probably asking yourself why we broke up in the first place. Well, it seems that toward the end of our time together, probably the last eight or nine months, all she ever talked about was marriage.
I almost felt that she was more in love with the idea and hope of getting married than she was with me. I felt this way, but never talked to her about it, sometimes I would make jokes, but she just kept having “marriage” on her mind. I got so paranoid that I finally ended the relationship. It bothered me that she acted so surprised, like she had no idea. Some people tell me that I was being too harsh, but I don’t think so, nor do I care… it felt like the right thing to do. Actually, if felt like the next logical step, unless I wanted to step into marriage.
Have any advice or an opinion on this matter?
Thanks for writing in. I have heard this situation from so many readers. I actually really like that you voiced your feelings. More often than not, when a relationship begins, it is full of excitement and wonder, not only about discovering more about the other individual, but discovering more about the relationship.
Unfortunately, like so many other things in life, it is difficult to stay in the present. After we have found someone who we enjoy being with and enjoy the company of, we tend to imagine our future with this person. When we imagine, we begin to create, to manifest… when it involves someone else, sometimes it can turn out to be a disaster. It sounds like you were involved with someone who was imagining her wedding and being married, it also sounds like it involved you, but you weren’t on board! Or put in a better way, you weren’t aware of what was happening.
This is not to say that the way you handled things was the right thing to do. It would have been very easy to discuss with your girlfriend how you felt. But for whatever reason, you chose not to. There are times, Caleb, when we feel frustrated and insecure, that there are so many other things going on that we need to be a part of. A lot of times we pressure ourselves to do them, and in your girlfriend’s case, that’s getting married.
Please know that this is not saying she didn’t enjoy your company and this is no way saying that your relationship was less than what it was. Always in relationships, there is growth. The two either grow together or they grow apart. From hearing your brief description, it sounds like your relationship grew together for over a year, but somewhere in there, it lost the growth. She still grew and surely you were growing, but not together or for the same outcome. You were growing further away from being a couple and she was growing towards marriage, with or without you.
This is why, so often, people talk about the importance of staying in the now. They talk about living for today. Your relationship ended for no other reason than you two wanted different things and were ready to find it elsewhere. Make no mistake, Caleb, it was not because she was fantasizing about marriage that you were driven away. You simply wanted something else from the relationship and you used the marriage talk as your excuse. You can definitely learn from this situation, you can learn to talk about feelings and you can learn to face your paranoia. Most importantly, as said by the great teacher, Ram Dass, “Be here now.”