Dear Jenny,

I have been friends with a guy for almost 8 months.  When I say friends I mean friends, we met through the internet and went on a date.  The date seemed great, it went flawless, almost as if we’d known each other for years.  At the end of the night, we hugged and thanked each other for the evening and then went our separate ways.  I remember thinking that he was just being a gentleman, that’s why he didn’t try anything when he had ample opportunities.  But after the second and third dates ended in pretty much the same way, I thought that maybe he simply needed a nudge.  So yes, I made a play for him, and you know what I got?  A peck on the mouth.  I am not sure what is happening here or if I should continue going out with this guy, hoping something will bloom.  The first time we went out he paid for the both of us, since then we have gone dutch.  I don’t like this feeling of confusion wondering if he cares about me or not.  If he didn’t, why would he want to consistently hang out? It’s almost as though I am having a disagreement inside my head, one part of my brain is saying, “stop seeing him, if something was going to happen it would have happened already.” The other part of my brain is replying, “this is how the most healthy and loving relationships begin.  He is just getting to know and appreciate you.” 

I would like to hear your opinion.

Thanks, Lydia


Hi Lydia,

Sounds like you are uncomfortable where you are, but you really don’t know where that is.  Let me help you, you are in the friend zone.  When two people meet on a blind date, or online, it is an unspoken understanding that romance is hopefully the outcome.  He knew that and that is why he paid for the date.  But something happened soon after the first date that made him want to stop pursuing you romantically.  I don’t know what that was, no one does (but him), so it’s not worth trying to figure it out.  What is worth trying to figure out is what do you want from this?  Remember Lydia, it’s all about filling your needs and making sure they are met. 

Sometimes we get so involved in trying to please the other person and make the other person see the light (in this case, the light is you), we forget about ourselves and what we want.  Do you want the kind of feeling that this relationship is giving you? Do you even like this guy romantically?  Or are you now so engrossed in the challenge of changing his thoughts about you, that you don’t even remember if you are interested in him?  Consider the possibility that he doesn’t know what you want, maybe he is reading your actions differently than you intend. 

There are so many ways to analyze this situation and we could attach so many meanings to every action, but the simplest thing to do is step away.  That goes for many things in life, step away, take a breath and when you revisit the situation, it will look different.  You may not want to revisit it at all, but if you do, you will have a fresh outlook.  A lot of times it’s as easy as giving yourself permission to step away.  Permission to not worry, judge, or analyze. 

I hope this helps you see things a little bit more clearly, thanks for the question.


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